The Myth of the "Born Emotionally Intelligent"

Most of us have encountered someone who seems naturally adept at navigating social situations. They read the room effortlessly, respond appropriately to others' feelings, and manage their own emotions with apparent ease.

We often attribute their skill to some innate gift they were born with, as if emotional intelligence were encoded in their DNA.

This widespread belief reflects one of the most persistent misconceptions about emotional intelligence. The idea that some people are simply "born with it" while others aren't has taken root in our collective understanding.

Think about how often we use phrases like "she's just naturally good with people" or "he's always been emotionally tone-deaf."

These casual observations reinforce the notion that emotional intelligence is fixed at birth, unchangeable as our height or eye colour.

Like a garden mistakenly believed to have sprung up without any cultivation, emotional intelligence is often viewed as wildly growing without effort.

In reality, those "naturally" emotionally intelligent individuals typically developed their skills through years of observation, experience, and often unconscious practice.

The seemingly effortless way they navigate emotional waters masks the learning process that occurred throughout their development, much as a skilled pianist makes complex pieces look easy after years of practice.

Research tells a different story than our intuitions. Neuroscience has demonstrated remarkable plasticity in the brain regions associated with emotional processing.

Studies show that these areas continue developing well into adulthood and respond positively to targeted exercises and experiences.

Far from being fixed at birth, our emotional capabilities can be strengthened throughout life.

Scientists have documented significant improvements in emotional awareness, empathy, and emotional regulation in adults who engage in specific training programs.

This misconception carries real consequences.

When we believe emotional intelligence is innate, we create artificial limitations.

Those who struggle with emotional situations may resign themselves to permanent difficulty, thinking, "That's just how I am."

Meanwhile, organisations might overlook promising employees simply because they haven't yet developed certain emotional skills.

The fixed mindset leads to missed opportunities for personal growth and professional development.

Cultural differences further complicate our understanding.

What appears as natural emotional intelligence in one context might simply be culturally-aligned behaviour.

Someone raised in a collectivist culture might display strong group-awareness skills that seem like innate empathy, when actually they were deliberately cultivated through cultural practices and expectations from early childhood.

The confusion stems partly from how emotional development occurs. Unlike academic subjects with formal curricula, emotional skills are often learned informally through observation and experience.

A child who watches parents navigate conflict productively absorbs those patterns without explicit instruction. Because this learning happens below conscious awareness, it's easy to mistake the results for innate talent rather than acquired skill.

Historical perspectives have also shaped our thinking. Earlier psychological theories often characterised personality traits and emotional tendencies as largely fixed.

While modern psychology has moved toward more dynamic models of human development, these older views linger in popular understanding.

The persistence of terms like "emotionally intelligent people" versus "emotionally challenged individuals" reflects this outdated binary thinking.

A more accurate understanding recognises that:

While people start from different baselines of emotional awareness and skill, influenced by temperament, early experiences, and neurological differences, everyone has capacity for growth.

The person who struggles to read emotional cues today can develop that ability with practice and guidance.

The executive who frequently loses their temper can learn regulation techniques that transform their responses.

Emotional intelligence is not an inborn talent that some possess and others lack, but a set of skills that can be cultivated and strengthened through deliberate practice, regardless of starting point.